To Be Called Mother

When I was eighteen, I had emergency surgery. At that time, I was barely out of high school, just starting college, and just finding myself. I remember my doctor informing me the best thing to do to "cure" the illness he found was to get married and have children. I remember thinking he was crazy. Sure, part of me wanted to find a husband and have all my problems solved. The other part was still a child.

Nine years and multiple interesting treatments later, I've fulfilled the first part of that doctor's prescription - marriage. The second part is proving rather more difficult.

Funny how this elusive "cure" is made less likely by the very condition it purports to fix. I find it rather ironic.

And frustrating.

Though we have only been married for two and a half years, the waiting period feels like forever. I know several people who have experienced this same frustration, most of them for so much longer. I ought to feel like I got it easy compared to them. And I do. But, it doesn't take away from my own frustration.

My first months in nursery seemed like a blessing and a curse. Many people are uncertain whether that calling is to encourage or discourage the replenishing of the earth. I haven't decided either. Spending Sundays with a group of young children both whets my appetite and then rips the feast away at the end. The first time a child called me "mom" I nearly burst into tears. Funny how one small word can evoke so much emotion. I've watched friends and family grow their own little ones and felt my desire strengthen each time.

When it got so I couldn't even look at a child without feeling sad, I knew I had to change. I knew there was a way to face this problem without bitterness and envy. I just had to ask. Part of me did not want to have those feelings taken away. It was a false compensation for what I lacked. But the other part wanted to feel true happiness for others and peace for myself. So I finally stopped asking for what I most wanted and started asking for what I most needed.

And I got it.

What I needed, not what I wanted.

At least, not yet.